I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
