Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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