Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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