you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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