tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
