I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
