I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
