I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Damn victory sex feels great
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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