No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
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