a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
