She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
