dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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