Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
