This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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