Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
