I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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