i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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