i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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