Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
