Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
