Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
