Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
