Only a mothe r could love this liver
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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