found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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