I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
