The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
