i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
