1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
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