best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
When did angry sex become our thing?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
