Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
