our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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