i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
