I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
