I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
In other news, I just burned my penis
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
