Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
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On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
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I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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