apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
