saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
