My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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