Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
