how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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