If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
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