he told me I talked like a deaf person
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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