He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Enjoy the penises
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
