I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
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The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
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The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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