we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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