my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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