she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
