they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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