I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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