so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
