I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
