Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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