You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
