Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
