just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
