I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
