I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
