I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
