she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
